Married and Alone

I have two extremely loving parents who have given more to me than I could ever express. I grew up in a Church that was passionate about the Gospel and provided wise Christian counsel. I attended a Christian college and found very solid friendships of people who to this day pray for me and encourage me. I married a man who loves the Lord, prays for me, and strives to make sure that I feel loved. And for all of these things I am extremely grateful.

But despite all of this, it has become very apparent to me over the last year how ill-equipped I was for dealing with loneliness in my marriage.

Now before you start messaging or lecturing my husband, I want to be very clear that my loneliness is not his fault in any way. Chris has been so good to me and good for me. Even in moments when I couldn't stand myself, he showed crazy amounts of forgiveness and patience. Feeling alone didn't suddenly appear in my life after getting married. It's always been there. For some reason, I just didn't think it would still be there after getting married.

A few weeks ago Chris and I were eating lunch with a group of friends. When the time came to get the checks, we told the waitress that my husband and I would be on a check, this married couple here is on a check, and for the remaining check my husband jokingly told the waitress, "The last one is hers. She's all alone." This was funny to everyone at the table, including the friend he was referring to, and we all had a good laugh about it. But in a more serious way, this is how we all think about marriage right? Single people are alone, and married people are not. It's as simple as that.

The expectation of marriage that was communicated by the Church was fairly confusing for me to translate. I heard, "Only God will satisfy you," but then people continually asked about my dating life instead of my spiritual well-being. "Marriage isn't the end goal," but then people seem to drop off the face of the earth once they are married. "No one can 'complete' you, only Christ can do that," and then I hear an entire sermon that says I'm one piece of a puzzle and I have to find my other half. "The 'one' doesn't exist. No one is perfect for you," and then I see the 832,743 posts on Instagram saying that their man is perfect for them. Etc, etc, and so forth. Again and again, words were spoken, but attitudes and actions led me to believe something else.

When I felt lonely I would mostly confide in my best friend, but I would also inwardly, and very subtly, attribute my loneliness to the fact that I hadn't yet found "the one person" who will truly understand me. The one person that I will confide in and who will connect with me on such a deep level that this lonely feeling will never even happen again.

I mean, I knew a human couldn't be my salvation from myself. I knew that marriage isn't the thing that will ultimately satisfy me. I knew it would be difficult at times. But if there was one thing I could expect from marriage, it's the fact that I will never be alone. Surely, people in good, healthy marriages never feel lonely. Right?

Wrong.

This reality hit me when 6 months into marriage, I found myself wishing for the very same thing I had longed for before getting married. I just want someone who TRULY UNDERSTANDS me. I felt lonely again. Except this time I couldn't seek hope in one day finding "that one person" who will understand me, because I found him. He was lying in bed right next to me. I promised my life to him. This was it. This was the thing that was supposed to expel all of my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. And he doesn't understand me. So now I'm doomed to feel misunderstood and lonely for the rest of my life. And because I always thought no one should feel alone in a good marriage, I assumed that this meant there was something wrong with my marriage, or at least wrong with me.

I don't believe I'm the only married person who's ever felt this feeling. It is horrifyingly paralyzing. It's a feeling of utter hopelessness. To realize that for the rest of your life no one will truly understand you, no one can permanently fix your loneliness, it makes you question if that life is even worth living. I just wanted to be in heaven already, where it actually is impossible to feel lonely. Is it horrible to wish for that to happen now rather than live the rest of my life feeling this way?

When I expressed this to my husband, turns out he was feeling lonely too. We wrestled with this for months, both of us confessing our struggles with feeling a lack of intimacy and thinking of practical ways that we can be there for each other. We went some healthy ways, and some not so healthy ways. Even though at times we didn't fully understand each other, we understood the loneliness. When we felt like we had absolutely nothing in common, at least we had that. It wasn't until we started to be honest with our friends that we realized: we're not even alone in this struggle. What we've been dealing with is fairly normal, and in those times of honest confession to my spouse and closest friends (single or married), I felt such a sure connection that reminded me why I'm actually here.

Ultimately, I think it was this truth that forced me to re-evaluate my thoughts on loneliness. In one sense, loneliness is a terrible thing. The human existence is almost entirely about connection, and feeling alone and misunderstood is a barrier to that. But in another sense, it is an inevitable, natural part of being a human in a fallen world. How much more do I value those moments of genuine connection because I've also felt the pain of being disconnected? If I'm honest with myself, how many relationships would I continue to pursue if loneliness no longer existed? How much would I pray or hope for heaven if I never felt alone again? If my husband and I could suddenly completely understand each other, what would be left to learn for the remainder of our marriage?

So I came to realize, not only is loneliness normal, but it is also necessary. In a sense, there is no one on this earth who can fully understand me and fully love me. No one on this earth can fully step inside my brain, my past experiences, my feelings, or my fears. Some level of loneliness is a reality for any broken human. It is unavoidable. It doesn't discriminate. A married person can feel just as lonely as a single person, and a single person can feel just as connected as a married person. It can't be solved by marrying someone wonderful or having lots of friends. But, like most things, we can use the loneliness that we feel to push us toward good things, or destructive things. We can choose to dig deeper and try to make true connections, or we can retreat within ourselves and miss out on the beauty of another unique human. We can wallow in our self-pity of feeling alone, or we can look around and see that other people feel alone too. We can invest in the relationships that we have, or we can squander them while we hope for a more perfect future one.

I will also add that since having this realization, things with my spouse have been going much, much better. I no longer blame him for these occasional bouts of loneliness, but I still talk to him about it and he always listens. I remind myself that this feeling is natural and that it won't last forever. I acknowledge that it's okay to long for the day when I will encounter "the one" who does fully understand me and love me perfectly. I recognize the destructive temptations so I can avoid them, and I push on toward the things that I know are good. Usually, there's a person on the other side saying, "I thought I was the only one."

I love this quote by Donald Miller: "I don't know if there's a healthier way for two people to stay in love than stop using each other to resolve their unfulfilled longings and, instead, start holding each other closely as they experience them."

Lessons Learned from the Whole30

Since I've finished the Whole30 I've had several people ask me: 1) what it is, or 2) tips and recipes for doing it. In this post I'll first address these two topics, but I'll also finish with some life/God lessons that I learned while doing the Whole30.

What is the Whole30?

First of all, the Whole30 is essentially 30 days of cutting out several food groups in order for your body to "reset" in a way. The foods that are cut out are foods that are associated with common allergies and/or systemic inflammation. Basically, so much of the American diet is sugar and empty carbs that contain no nutrition whatsoever. They just exist to give your body something to burn. The Whole30 focuses in on these foods (and other things that people are commonly intolerant of) and cuts them out of your diet temporarily in order to slowly reintroduce them and see what you personally can or can't tolerate. The food groups are: any grains (wheat, oats, rice, etc.), all added sugar (you can still eat natural sugar that exists in the fruit and veggies you eat. This is the most difficult one since in America sugar is added to EVERYTHING!), legumes (peanuts, soy, beans, except sugar snap peas, snow peas and green beans), and dairy. The point of the Whole30 isn't to label all of these foods as "bad" foods (even though a few of them legitimately are), but rather to see which ones are bad for you specifically. Many people find that they're lactose intolerant or gluten intolerant by doing this diet, but also many people find that they just feel better and function better while on the Whole30. The reason I decided to try this diet is because I've struggled with acne for about 5 years and am on a mission to be done with it once and for all. I'm sick temporary medications, antibiotics, or creams that only treat the symptoms. I'm on a search to find out why my skin reacts the way it does and heal it from the inside out. I did 38 days of the Whole30 diet and have since then reintroduced all of the foods back into my diet. I've found that my acne gets drastically worse when I consume sugar and dairy, so now I know that I need to steer away from these groups in my lifestyle.

Now, for those who are doing Whole30, way to go! It really is a rewarding and empowering experience! Here are some tips to consider as you go along your journey to holistic health.

Tip #1: Focus what you CAN eat, not what you can't eat

It's easy to list everything you can't eat, pick 3 or 4 meals that you can eat, and then just eat those meals throughout the Whole30. I wouldn't advise doing this. Instead of thinking about all the grains you're missing out on, expand your diet by adding vegetables/fruits you've never tried. If you stick to chicken and potatoes for the whole thing you will not be getting all of the nutrients that your body actually does need to run. Variety in your diet will help ensure that you're getting range of nutrients as well as make the Whole30 exciting and flavorful.

Tip #2: Watch your fruit intake

Without a doubt the hardest thing to cut out of my diet was sugar. You really don't realize how much we consume on a daily basis until you're without it and suddenly have a SERIOUS hankering for a sweet "healthy" granola bar or fruit as a snack. It was easy for me to eat way more fruit than I should because of these cravings. It's recommended that you eat 2 servings (about 2 cups, or 2 peices of fruit) per day. I know it's hard, but if you really want to master your cravings you can't keep feeding yourself fruit. I would say it's okay to cave in to a few of your cravings at first, but try to stick to actual whole fruit rather than dried fruit (since dried fruit contains more sugar and less nutrients) and also eat protein with your fruit since this will help balance your blood sugar. Eventually, you can master these cravings by eating some snap peas or nuts, having a cup of herbal (non-sweetened and non-soy) tea, or just straight up drinking more water. Most of the time your body is just thirsty anyways. Note that I'm referring to cravings and not hunger. If you're hungry, you should probably eat something. Make sure that you're getting enough protein, veggies, and good fat during meal times, and hunger for snacks shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Tip #3: Watch your coffee intake

In the first week of the Whole30, you feel pretty crappy. I was also tired and had headaches, and headaches aren't something that I am used to. It's easy to replace your cravings for sugar and energy with coffee, but try to refrain. Limit yourself to one cup a day and time it for when your adrenaline/cortisol levels usually drop. Right when you first wake up is when your cortisol is supposed to kick in, so wait a few hours before giving your hormones another boost. A few hours after lunch is also a good time, usually between 2-4. Tea is a better alternative, but be careful about the ingredients! A lot of teas say "natural" but that could also include natural sweeteners such as stevia or agave nector. Both of these are off limits during the Whole30. Also watch out for soy lecithin in tea since it's commonly used to help diffuse flavors throughout the water.

Tip #4: Account for the amount of time it will take to eat

One of the biggest frustrations and lessons learned is the amount of time that it takes to cook. Every. Single. Meal. If you're trying a new Whole30 recipe and it says prep time is 10 minutes and cook time is 30 minutes, you should plan on that meal taking anywhere from an hour to and hour and a half. Maybe I'm just not good at cooking, but to chop all the fresh ingredients and continually check the cookbook for instructions took longer than I anticipated. I was forced to miss social outings because dinner took 30-45 minutes longer than I planned. Just beware of this fact when you're trying new recipes. If you're suddenly in a rush and don't have time to make the dinner you originally planned, I would suggest always keeping eggs in the fridge for a quick and easy omelette.

Tip #5: Crock pot meals are a huge time savor

Crock pots are magical. You throw everything together in the morning and come home to a delicious meal! If you have a crock pot, use it. If you have one day of the week that you can spend pre-cooking all your crock pot meals to freeze, do it. Beef brisket and pulled pork carnitas are two that we did that are easy and delicious!

Tip #6: Healthy doesn't mean bland

Most people think that because you can't have any sugar or butter on Whole30, everything has to taste bland. This is completely false! Garlic, onion, salt, pepper, and lemon/lime are nature's seasonings. Cooking some meat with onion and fresh garlic can go a long way. If you're trying to save money, garlic powder and onion powder work just as well. Salt and pepper are really all you need in my personal opinion, but I also change things up with the occasional oregano, thyme, curry, cumin, cinnamon, or chili powder every now and then. Don't be afraid to mix up your seasonings and try something new. You can also clarify some unsalted butter to use on sweet or mashed potatoes. As far as salad dressings go, I just usually just used olive oil and vinegar. This is also a good option for eating out. Almost any restaurant you go to will have some salad options and oil and vinegar. If you can get some salt and pepper and oregano, even better! Good healthy food doesn't have to taste bland (and in fact tastes better than fake food)!

Tip #7: Whole30 doesn't mean "all organic"

This is a common misconception on Whole30. It's generally known that preservatives and additives aren't good for you, but this isn't the point of Whole30. If you're going on a budget, you can have certain processed foods, frozen fruits and veggies, and canned vegetables. Just be aware that you won't be getting all the nutrients that you could be getting (which is can be a big deal if you're trying to heal your body) and make sure you read the ingredients to watch out for sugars and disguised sugars. Some preservatives are off limits and you can find a list of them here. However, they do say that if you're going to go organic in one thing, it is more beneficial to eat organic meat that has been grass-fed and has no added hormones/antibiotics. It seems that hormones added to meat affect your system more than a washed off pesticide or a GMO tomato would.

Tip #8: Chipotle just got more awesome

As if there wasn't enough reason to love Chipotle already, it's one of the few restaurants where I knew 100% that I was holding to Whole30. However, the only meat you can get there is the carnitas since the other meats are cooked in rice-bran oil (and also the peppers). I load up a salad with double carnitas, pico, mild (green) salsa, and guac. You could also bring your own fresh peppers and onions to add a few more veggies to your plate. It's pretty expensive with double meat and guac, but you could save half of it for lunch the next day. Great idea for date nights or if your dinner plans are foiled last minute.

Life lessons learned from the Whole30

Lesson #1: Anything worth doing takes time and sacrifice

Of course it's difficult to be the only person in your office who can't eat anything (literally anything) at an office party. Of course it's difficult to say "no" to steaming bread, chocolate ice cream, and donuts. But in my experience biggest difficulty of the Whole30 isn't saying no to sugar or drinking your coffee black, it's definitely the amount of time that it takes to plan your meals weekly, shop for those meals, prepare those meals, and sit down and eat those meals. I found myself getting so insanely frustrated because it literally felt like all I had time to do in my day was work 8 hours and then cook and eat, and then it's time for bed to do it all over again the next day. Then I realized, I don't eat terribly because I like the food better, I eat terribly because American culture has made it SO much easier to. It's yet another daily option to choose the quick, easy, and immediately satisfying route, or to take the time, effort, and discipline for the ultimately satisfying route. Too often we take the quick and easy route and expect ultimately satisfying results, yet no good thing in life works that way. I want to encourage you to remember that. If you really want to heal your body from the inside out or find out how you function best, there is no quick and painless fix. Sorry to burst your Americanized bubble.

Lesson #2: Sitting down for dinner is a discipline

Maybe sitting down for dinner isn't actually that difficult for you, but I know it was for me. Most of the time I'm so focused on accomplishing tasks that I'm actually annoyed by the fact that my body forces me to eat something in order to function. In the off chance that I actually have a few minutes to make dinner, it's usually something quick, bland, and scarfed down in 10 minutes. After completing the Whole30, I'm convinced more than ever that God did not intend for food to be this way. In fact, studies show that if you eat your food too fast, your stomach can't properly digest the food and it ends up causing grief to your stomach lining and potentially your esophagus. I don't think God would've created so many foods with various flavors, textures, aromas, and scrumptious sensations for us to devour in the few minutes between those "crucial" chores we need to do. The Whole30 opened my eyes to see how little I take the time to sit down and enjoy the food and blessings that God has given me. There were times when I had to turn down various events and obligations in order to just have enough time to cook and eat. It was easy for me to be embittered by this at first, but I later came to realize that maybe it's a good thing to be forced to say "no" on occasion. I now view meal times as God's way of forcing me to cease my striving and just be. And because the American lifestyle refuses to slow down, it actually takes being intentional and disciplined in order to just stop everything for a few hours to cook, sit down, eat, and enjoy.

Lesson #3: Patience

Patience is a huge component of having a successful Whole30 experience. Not only is patience needed for the time that is takes to learn how to cook your own food, but it's also needed in expecting results. For some reason, I was thinking that after years of eating horrible sugar-packed food with little nutrition, my body would instantly heal as soon as I started eating correctly. Spoiler alert: it didn't. In fact, for a little bit it felt like my body was getting worse. My acne still flared up, I had headaches, low energy, and a constant frustration that I was spending so much time on something that wasn't even working. But, I committed to it for 30 days and I was determined to finish. It was only toward the end of the Whole30 that I actually began to feel really good, had no breakouts, and the best energy levels I've ever experienced, even on days when I didn't have any caffeine. This was a reminder to me that healing takes time and I can't expect a quick-fix after 30 days of ending habits that I've had for a decade. This applies to a number of habits and disciplines in life, including spiritual disciplines. So often I begin a good spiritual discipline, such as memorizing scripture, and after a week of investing but failing to see any immediate benefit, I convince myself that it's not really doing anything for me so I quit. When starting disciplines like this, it's important to remember that it may not have any immediate benefit, but in its time it reaps a reward that makes all of the invested effort absolutely worth it.

Lesson #4: Mind over Matter

The most powerful lesson I learned on the Whole30 is that I am not a slave to my body. I have the power to choose what I put in my body. I don't have to have peanut butter in order to live. I don't have to have a free donut when the opportunity presents itself. My mind does have control over my body, and to give into my body's cravings because I "just can't resist such and such" is to begin a pattern of learned helplessness and slavery to the flesh. I love where Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 9: "Thus I fight: not as one who beats the air. But I discipline my body and bring it into subjection, lest, when I have preached to others, I myself should become disqualified." Not saying that I'm perfect in this area or that I always resist the temptation, but I do acknowledge now that it was my choice to succumb to that temptation. No one made me do it, not even my body. Taking ownership of my failures reminds me that I'm not a helpless victim to my flesh, and that the next time an opportunity presents itself I can and do have the power to say no! 

Lesson #5: Consider the Cost

So many people always talk about how they want to eat healthier, but it just cost too much money, time, or effort. It's true that a healthy diet can cost you a considerable amount. But even with all the time, energy, and money that it costs to eat healthy, the cost of not eating healthy is much more expensive. So many of the illnesses that we face in our society are only symptoms of poor food habits, even among thin people who seem healthy. The American diet has raised a generation of nutrient-deprived people and we will reap the consequences in due time (most likely in our later stages of life). It's true that there are several illnesses that we don't really have control over, but that doesn't mean we should just give up entirely and consistently feed our bodies trash. We need to stop looking at the immediate cost of things and instead gain a wisdom in evaluating the total cost of them. Don't wait until you're sick or diagnosed with an illness to consider your health. It will cost you much less if you deal with it right now.

So many of these food lessons remind me of my spiritual battle with sin. Some of my sinful habits seem so harmless, but they always end up costing me more than I ever calculated or anticipated. A little fear leads to worry, a little worry leads to unrest, unrest leads to anxiety, and before I know it I'm angry with my husband because of the seed of fear that I allowed to grow. That fear could've been weeded and dealt with from the start, but I waited until it cost me many sleepless nights, tears, and frustration before it was dealt with. The immediate cost of dealing with the seeds of sin are much less expensive than the cost dealing with them once they've grown.

This pretty much sums up my Whole30 experience! It has changed so much about how I view food, health, and life. If you're reading this and are interested in doing it, I definitely encourage you to do so! If you're reading this and have decided to do it, YOU CAN DO IT. People might think you're crazy, but you will learn so much. If you need anything at all just let me know and I will offer the best advice that I can. Peace, love, and blessings!

Living for More Than Facebook

I finally feel like I have a pretty good relationship with social media these days.  Unfortunately, I can’t claim that I had the will-power or discipline to wean myself off of it. I just didn’t want to pay for wifi (or a smartphone). But it wasn’t until 2 months without wifi that I realized I had finally broken my social media addiction. Shortly after this realization, I also became aware of just how addicted to social media I originally was.  Not only was I on it constantly, but I found myself doing things, and taking pictures of me doing things, for the sole purpose of posting it on Facebook.

I mean, everyone else’s lives look so awesome and exciting…so I have to post things showing that my life is awesome and exciting too, right? Otherwise, I just look like a total lame-o. A boring do-nothing. An “eh” person in a sea of “whoah!” people. They have to know I’m not boring! I’m a cool person! …Sort of. I just know I’m not lame, so everyone else needs to know too, right? And boring facebook page = boring person….so…let’s work on my page.

At least, that was my thinking.

Which is obviously complete folly.

In a way, I was living for Facebook. I would document my every semi-cool experience to post on social media in order to impress people. I would do things that I don’t think I would normally do just to show people that I can do those things. When I went out with friends, I would post a funny status and tag all of the people I just hung out with so that everyone knows I actually have friends. I know what you’re thinking: wow, she’s very insecure. To which I respond: yes, absolutely. And I still have some insecurities to deal with, but (thanks to God) I’m nowhere near where I was. I realize I may be the only person who uses social media in this way, but this is what really happened. This is me spilling out this struggle…which is what blogs are for (sometimes).

Well, after living with no internet, I stopped looking at everyone else’s Facebook page, and consequently I stopped looking at my own. But I kept being me. I kept doing the things that I love. I kept reading books that I wanted to read. I kept having dance parties. The only difference was that I could no longer tell everyone about every single thing that I’m doing. And it honestly didn’t bother me. In fact, I believe I reached a new level of enjoying those things because I didn’t tell everyone about it, and I didn’t care who knew. It was just simple design: God made it for enjoyment, so I was enjoying it.

It’s amazing how much self-consciousness can take away from a view of a mountaintop. Or the ocean. Or the fun of good company. I think the true beauty of those things lies in a sense of self-inattention. Suddenly, you’re not the most awesome thing on the planet. In an instant, in the time it takes your ears to perceive a sound, or in the minuscule millisecond it takes for your eyes to fixate on a scene, you realize the world is bigger than you. You’re a tiny thread woven into a much bigger design. And it’s beautiful. Perhaps when you’ve experienced this, you began to entertain this thought. But before this thought had fully been birthed, you pulled out your iphone and made it all about you again. The longer I live, the more I realize how self-focus ruins everything.

When was the last time you took a walk through the woods and told no one else about it? (Okay, maybe you should tell one person for safety, but you get my point). When was the last time you truly gazed at a sunset instead of taking insufficient pictures of it to show everyone your awesome view of the awesome sunset in your awesome town? When was the last time you laughed with friends and genuinely enjoyed their presence without any influence or thought of social media? The last time you went out with your significant other and didn’t snap a selfie for Facebook purposes? If you’re having a hard time remembering, you may be missing the full wondrous effect of doing those things because you’ve tainted the noble purpose of doing them with self-focused motives. You’re no longer just enjoying time with your wife. You’re spending time with your wife and then posting about it to show everyone that you’re a good husband. Or, you’re no longer purely enjoying the soft breeze of the oceanfront. You’re enjoying the breeze, and then telling everyone about it so they can admire how “down-to-earth” you are. You’ve ruined the pure simplicity, beauty, and blessing that comes from those moments by adding an ulterior motive. And that to me is kind of tragic.

I’m not saying we should never take pictures or post about awesome things we’re experiencing. I love pictures. I love memories!  I’m definitely one to take pictures of a challenging hike or a breath-taking view of the ocean or me and a group of friends at the fair. But what I am questioning is our motive for doing those things. I seriously think there’s a mental and experiential difference between taking those pictures for my own sake and then taking them for the sake of showing everyone else. It’s the difference between being and proving to be. Being is effortless and enjoyable. Proving to be is exhausting and miserable, even if you’re proving what you actually are. And I’ve definitely suffered from the effects of trying to prove to be something, whether it was something I am or something I wish I was.

So in a series of subtle life-style changes, I decided to start living for much more than my virtual reputation.  I started doing things that I enjoy for no other reason than the fact that I enjoy them. I stopped posting to prove myself to everyone else. I’m still not where I want to be in this area, but I’ve seriously improved. And if someone looks at my empty Facebook page and concludes that I’m a boring person, well…that’s fine with me. I might actually make that a goal. Because the more my page sucks, the more I’m out chatting with someone or reading a book or doing something that I actually like. Because I don’t want to live on Facebook and I don’t want to live for Facebook. And you shouldn’t either.

You've Got a Friend in Me

I've recently discovered something about the world that I find particularly disturbing: our society is full of terrible friends.  Like, really terrible.

The reason this is so upsetting to me is probably because I've been blessed beyond belief by uplifting and encouraging friends in my life, and I desperately need that.  I don't know where I would be without the self-sacrificing and loyal friends that I have!  So since I need those good friends in my life, I would assume that other people need that as well.  After all, we were designed to live in relationship.  The problem is, good friends are hard to come by these days...and that to me is incredibly sad.  There's such a selfish mentality that exists in society's idea of friendship, and as a result, jealousy, rage, back-stabbing, and the "I'm not gonna let you play with my barbies anymore" bickering are far too common.  It amazes me how two girls can be best friends one minute, and the next minute they're plotting ways to make each other's lives miserable. That's NOT friendship!  People base their friendships on what they can get out of the relationship, but they don't realize that as a result of this mentality, they're depriving themselves of a raw, deep, and true friendship.  They miss everything that friendship could be.  And that is truly tragic.

The actual word for "friend" in most languages goes back the words "to love," and since our society has no idea what love actually is, I would argue that we have no idea what friendship actually is.  The ultimate source of truth shows us what love and friendship look like: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." (1 Cor. 13:4-6) Friendship isn't having someone to get drunk with, and it's not having someone to do things with when you get bored.  It's sitting in a Wafflehouse at 2am watching someone spill their guts and comforting them when they're done.  It's taking the extra measure to make someone's day a little bit brighter.  It's rejoicing in someone's accomplishments, even if it leaves you in the dust.  It's seeking to better someone else rather than yourself.  True friendship is always about the other, not the self.  If you have an attitude of selflessness in a friendship, 9 times out of 10 they will have the same attitude towards you.  In order to receive a true friend, you have to be a true friend.

Seems like people these days have it flip-flopped, and are only "friends" with people for themselves.  They say, "I'm first. What do you have to offer me?"  I would say that they don't have even have a "friend"ship, they have a "self"ship.  Those relationships aren't full of love, they're full of self.  And far too many people are getting broken again and again due to these relationships.

This friendship problem exists among believers and unbelievers alike, which really should NOT be happening.  John 13 says that the world should be able to recognize us as disciples by our love for each other.  That's it.  No need for bumper stickers, tracts, or street preaching.  The world should be able to see our love for each other as a family that is united with one purpose and say, "They are truly friends that look out for each other. THAT'S different. I've never seen that. I want that."  Do we love each other enough to be friends?  Because friends do more than serve in the children's ministry together.  They do life together.  They stick it out together through thick and thin.  Do we love each other enough to forgive and forget? Do we love each other enough to bless a believer who has hurt us?  Do we love each other in a self-sacrificial, intentional, inconvenient, and unconditional way? Do we love each other in a way that looks different than the rest of the world?

So maybe you're reading this and you're like, "Yeah, duh. I already love my church and the body of believers and I would literally die for them!" That's fantastic! I'm so glad.  If you are, you should be attracting other non-believers to want what you have, right?  Here's the second challenge: be a friend to those people.  Those people being the neighbors that throw parties every night.  Those people being the co-workers who spill relationship drama every time you see them.  Those people being the grumpy lonely man across the road.  Are we willing to be friends to those people?

And here's a problem that I've noticed in my own life.  I kind of translated "friendship" with non-believers to mean serving them.  Yes, service is a part of friendship, but service does not equal friendship. I've noticed this not only in my life, but in the church as well.  We're willing to serve the non-believing community, but we're not willing to befriend it. We'd rather wash someone's car in the name of Jesus and be done with them, rather than visiting every week and catching up on life.  We'd rather throw a giant block-party than invite people over to our houses every week for a meal.  Christianity claims that it's about a relationship rather than works, but the world sees works rather than relationships.  Friendship is harder, but it's what the world desperately needs.  The world just needs people to be better friends to them and to care about them.  More specifically, they need a friendship with Jesus.  They crave a friendship with Jesus, and since Jesus lives in us, why can't we offer that friendship to them in hopes of them finding Jesus?  Don't get me wrong, service is an incredible thing and can say a lot, but how much more does a friendship say?  Given the choice of a clean car or a loyal friend, I'd pick the friend every time because quite honestly, they're rare these days.

Now, some people would read this and say, "Hooooold on! The Bible tells me to choose my friends wisely and to only hang out with good influences!" Yes, there's 1 Corinthians 15:33 "Do not be misled: 'Bad company corrupts good character."  We do need to carefully consider who our close friends are.  Our inner-circle, if you will, because these are the people that help shape our character and bring us closer to (or further from) holiness.  But throughout the gospels you see Jesus being friends with "sinners."  He didn't just take cookies to Zacchaeus's house, explain the Gospel, and leave.  He ate with him.  He hung out with him.  And I could imagine that anytime Jesus was in the neighborhood he would stop by just to say hello.  He served, yes.  But (like always) he took it a step further. He loved. He cared. He was a devoted friend, and THAT'S what made him different.  And that's what I see that the world needs.

So, I've resolved to be more intentional in my relationships and to be a better friend to everyone, believers and non-believers.  It's gonna be difficult and awkward at times, but intentionality is what distinguishes our God from every other.  Our God became flesh, became awkward, became uncomfortable, in order to be friends with us. So let's do the same.

The "Son of God" Movie - Support or Abort?

Last Friday my best friend/roommate/one of the most awesome people alive and I went to watch the "Son of God" movie in theaters.  I have to admit, even though the trailers made the movie look pretty stinkin' cool, I was still half-expecting another low-budget cheesy Jesus film with bad acting.  But no matter.  Anytime Hollywood portrays my Savior on the big screen, I want to see it.  So we went.  And I sat there, and pretty much cried my eyes out.  I actually thought it was good!  As I put myself in the footsteps of every character there, I was more and more amazed at everything that Jesus went through for us. For me.  I kept trying to imagine what it would've been like to be that woman who was caught in adultery, to be Peter walking on water, to be Simon and to be shoulder to shoulder helping my Lord carry his cross.  It was powerful to me because it's more than a story.  It's real.  In a sense, I AM the woman who was caught in adultery.  I AM the one marching beside Jesus with a heavy cross on my back.  There were several moments that opened my eyes to a new aspect of Jesus's life and how it applies to me.  And I thought it was good.

And then I come back and read this article that is completely hating on the whole thing because of how terribly inaccurate it was and how unbelievable it is that the church is supporting this movie.

Now, I understand that there were some differences between the movie and the real thing, and part of me is kind of frustrated that they feel the need to slightly alter some aspects of the story, but essentially...it's still the gospel.  It's still Christ, crucified for our sins, raised from the dead, coming back again someday for his Church.  Why would we not be overjoyed and happy that the story that changed our lives is being shown in theaters?  Oh, because it's not exactly the same as it actually was, so it's flawed theology, so it's bad.  Really?

The biggest differences between the movie and the Bible that I can recall are:

- In the Bible, Jesus weeps for Lazarus, in the movie he didn't
- Jesus didn't go inside the tomb to resurrect Lazarus, as the movie depicts
- When Jesus is pierced by a spear, his side leaked blood and water. The movie doesn't show this.
- The nails actually went in Jesus's wrists, not the palms of his hands
- The movie didn't clearly show the thick temple curtain ripping in half from top to bottom, though it did fall
- The movie made Jesus' scars to be HUGE gaping holes, which...could've happened, but it's not described this way in the Bible
- In the Bible, the scene where the woman is caught in adultery Jesus stoops down and writes on the ground.  In the movie he didn't
- In the Bible the soldiers don't rip Jesus's robe because it's seamless, but in the movie they rip it
- The Bible describes Jesus as being unattractive, but this Jesus was clearly attractive.
- In the Bible, roman guards watch over Jesus's tomb
- In the Bible, when Jesus rose from the dead both Marys went to the tomb first, and Peter and John followed
- Some events may have happened in a different order (but then again the gospels switch around the order of events at some points as well)

Now let me ask you; when was the last time you shared the gospel with someone and included all (or any) of these details?  Are these things necessary to understand our sin, our need for a Savior, Jesus Christ stepping in and fulfilling that need, God's grace, or Jesus's resurrection and triumph over the grave? No. They're supplemental, sure. But not necessary.  I think as Christians we may have missed the whole point of this movie.  It never claimed to be a flawless and biblically accurate depiction of Jesus's life.  It claimed to show the gospel, which (based on 1 Corinthians 15) I feel that it did.

Some people have also said that the producers of the movie, Roma Downey and Mark Burnett, are actually not even Christians.  They believe they are "New Agers" and are showing this movie with an ulterior motive.  And to this I say: WHO CARES?!  Christian or not, they displayed the gospel. Crystal clear.  It reminds me of when Paul is addressing the problem of men who are preaching Christ for their own selfish motives, to which he replies, "But what does it matter? The important thing is that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. And because of this I rejoice." (Phil. 1:18)  To Paul, it doesn't matter who's saying the message.  As long as the message is the same, he rejoices that it's being told!  Throughout the Bible, God has shown that he uses anyone to get his message out: adulterers, prostitutes, tax collectors, murderers, polygamists, oppressive rulers...why could he not use a couple of "new age" movie producers for the same purpose?  If God waited for someone who is perfect with flawless theology to proclaim his story, it would never be told.  God's message is not discredited by our imperfections and less than holy ideas.

What have we become as Christians to be so critical and negative that we harshly bash a movie that exhibits the gospel?  Sure, point out some details that the Bible describes differently, but go so far to say that the church shouldn't support it?  It's the gospel! In theaters! How could we not support it?  Who knows how many lives could be changed or how many hearts could be sparked with curiosity because of this movie?  If one person comes to Christ because of this movie, I don't think God will say, "Oh, no. That doesn't count because you didn't picture me with the right appearance."  That's ridiculous.  So I guess the real question is, what's more important to us: telling the world how knowledgeable we are of the Bible that we can call out everything that's wrong with this movie? Or telling the world the birth, life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ? (Note: this movie in NO way replaces our urgency to actually share the gospel with people, but it is a great way to start.)  Are we more concerned with being great Christian critics? Or expanding the kingdom of God?  Let's refocus our priorities here.  In the words of Peter from the last scene of "Son of God": We have work to do.

The Destructiveness of Doubt

I recently discovered a sin in my life that I must confess: I'm a doubter.  I have a tendency to make a decision, and then doubt that decision.  It doesn't seem like a terrible sin, but I recently discovered how destructive it can be when I lost something that I really cared about.  That's how it always works, isn't it?  You don't fully learn a lesson until it hurts.  At least, that's the case with me.  But I'm thankful that it happened, because otherwise I wouldn't have learned this lesson that I believe is crucial in order to really enjoy life...and now I can start over with new wisdom (thank God for fresh beginnings!)

I believe that doubt is pretty common in American culture because of how restless our culture is.  Nothing is ever enough.  We doubt almost every gift that we've been given: our spouse, our job, our house, our ministry, etc.  I was recently talking about this with a friend and we kind of concluded that much of the doubt found in our culture stems from the obsession to find THE right (fill in the blank).  The right guy, the right career, the right house.  We have this mentality that there is only one possible ____ that will truly make us happy, all other choices are wrong, and our life becomes an endless quest in search of "the right".  As a result, we doubt every decision we make that doesn't result in a hallelujah chorus and rainbows in the sky, and then we end up not appreciating the many benefits we could reap from that decision.  We doubt, and then we don't fully receive the gifts that God has given us.

James says a little bit about doubtful people, and it's pretty convicting (typical James).  He writes: "...He who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."  That verse struck me, because I could totally relate.  I was living a life of unstable-ness.  I didn't feel stable in where God had me and the future that he could have for me.  I was doubting what He had already given me, and as a result I didn't truly receive those gifts.  I was doubting that God truly knows what's best for me.  And let me tell you, this is no way to live.  It's destructive in more ways than one, but what really bothered me was how torn I was all the time.  "Maybe THIS is right...no...maybe I should do this....no.....but what if this?"  Back and forth, back and forth.  I was a wave of the sea, just like James said.

What's more, once you have a doubtful attitude, it becomes an endless cycle.  You see, you can't fully enjoy something unless you invest in it, but if you're doubtful, you don't fully invest in it so you don't enjoy it, which leads you to doubt it.  It's frustrating, really.  Five words could potentially spoil the gifts you have been given: "I'm not sure about this."   It's also kind of ironic.  Your fear of something not working out causes that very thing to not work out when it otherwise probably would.

It's funny, one of the several things I found myself doubting this past semester was my decision to move off campus.  It was kind of a hard transition for me because I love people, and I love being surrounded by people...and there's always people on a dorm.  Off-campus life is kind of lonely, mainly because both of my roommates work full-time jobs.  So I'm sitting at home by myself, wondering if I made the right choice, and then I decided to stop wondering and start investing.  I began trying to get to know my neighbors.  I was able to start relationships with people that I otherwise never would've met.  I started volunteering with the youth group at my church.  And it completely changed my view of living off-campus!  All because I stopped doubting, and started investing. Plus, I recently found out that my student teaching placement for next semester is literally a 2-minute drive from my apartment and some of the kids in the youth group go to this school! Are you kidding me? While I was doubting, God was orchestrating.  Guys, He knows what He's doing.  Don't doubt where God has you.

So I resolved: I'm not going to doubt anymore.  I'm going to throw myself at my God-honoring decisions with reckless abandon and with the attitude that God will make it great.  I understand that it may not always work out, but if I don't expect it to then it definitely won't.  I'm going to rid myself of double-mindedness in order to fully receive and enjoy the gifts God has given me.  I'm going to be fully used by God wherever he has me in life.  I'm going to take to heart the wise words of Jim Elliot, "Wherever you are, be all there."

Where Modesty Matters Most

To my fellow sisters in Christ,

In today's society, modesty is an issue that commonly arises among us ladies.  At a school where skirts and dresses must go to the knee, it's something that's a common complaint.  In the summer when girls are posting pictures of themselves in bikinis, it becomes a heated debate. Everyone inserts their opinions and lectures and arguments to justify what they believe is right, but rarely does anyone consider God's opinion on the matter.  This isn't a post to tell you what I believe you should and shouldn't wear, but rather to prompt you to consider God's opinion on the matter. That's all.

Modesty was never a huge concern in my life....until I did a Beth Moore study on Daniel (if you've never done a Beth Moore study, DO ONE! She's incredible!)  I know what you're thinking: Daniel...and modesty? What's the relation? Let me explain.

During this study, we had reached an interesting story in Daniel 5.  If you've never read it, I encourage you to!  In this story, King Belshazzar (the current king of Babylon) is throwing a huge party in his palace.  As he's getting drunk and messing around with his women and concubines, he summons his servant to go and fetch the gold goblets that were taken from the Jerusalem temple when the Babylonians had conquered the Israelites.  As they drink from the goblets, they begin praising the gods of silver, bronze, wood, and stone.  This is where it gets interesting.  Long story short, a hand (yes, JUST a hand!) writes a message on the wall saying that the king is doomed for what he's done, and that very night Darius the Mede runs in and kills King Belshazzar and puts his reign to an end!

Whoa, that got really weird really fast...and you might be wondering what terrible crime the king committed that made him deserving of death that very night.  And here it is: 1) he used a holy and consecrated item from the temple to serve an unholy purpose, and 2) he praised and worshiped creation over the Creator.  Think that doesn't apply to you? Think again.

In 2 Timothy, Paul's last letter before his death, he writes "In a large house there are articles not only of gold and silver, but also of wood and clay; some are for special purposes and some for common use. Those who cleanse themselves from the latter will be instruments for special purposes, made holy, useful to the Master and prepared to do any good work" (2 Tim. 2:20-21).  Although in this context he's talking about our conversations, I think this applies in other areas as well.  The point is this: once we became Christians, God consecrated us for His holy purposes.  Much like the goblets that were consecrated in the temple, God set us apart to use us as special instruments to honor and glorify Him.  From this story, it's very obvious that using something that is holy for an unholy purpose REALLY ANGERS God! To the point where the person who desecrates a holy item deserves death.  This applies to several areas in our sinful nature, but to me specifically God said, "Wardrobe."

I realized, every time I put on that super tight shirt or those shorts that are just a smidge too short, I'm desecrating something that God has made holy...and that angers him.  And ladies, we know. We know which shirts we like to wear to accentuate our curves.  We know which swimsuit we'll wear to the church party and which one we'll wear to senior beach week.  And the scariest part, GOD knows.  He knows our motives, he knows why we're wearing what we're wearing.  He knows we want that one guy to notice us and that we're willing to take the risk of that brother (and several others) looking at us in an unholy way so that we can get his attention.  And He doesn't like it.  Not one bit.  Shouldn't that be enough?  Forget about the "don't make the guy stumble" argument for a minute. Shouldn't this opinion of God's be enough to make us dress modestly? It ANGERS GOD when we dress ourselves with these motives.  And God's opinion is the only opinion that matters.  When we behave in this way, not only are we desecrating God's holy temple (our body), but we're also worshiping false gods.  We'd rather please society, our friends, or that group of guys over our God.  That, is idol worship. 

What did Belshazzar receive after committing these sins? Death, and we are easily deserving of the same punishment.  Fortunately, by God's grace we don't have to literally die (only because of what Jesus did on the cross), but we should die to that nature!  Instead of trying to "fit in" or "get attention" with our wardrobes, we should only seek to dress in a way that makes God smile.  In fact, we should keep in mind that our wardrobe and our bodies aren't even ours at all.  "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies" (1 Cor. 6:19-20).  What if instead of waking up in the morning and thinking, "What do I want to wear today," we decide to say, "How does God want me to dress his body today?"  Things would be a lot different.  So what was your motivation for putting on what you're wearing? Are you trying to please yourself, your boyfriend, or God? Think about it. 

 Now, I realize the majority of this post has been saying, "Dress modestly because if you don't God will get angry."  This statement is true, and seriously that in itself should be enough reason to dress wisely.  But I also think it's important to realize why it makes God angry.  God isn't some crazy micro-manager that blows up whenever we don't follow his rules.  He gets angry because it frustrates him to see something that he loves so much being misused for something that wasn't part of his design.  He made us and gave us the bodies we have for a reason, and he has a wonderful, beautiful, and incredibly fulfilling plan laid out for each of us!  And it's the best plan possible!  We could never create a better one in a million years.  When he sees us settling, conforming, and misusing what He's given us, I believe it makes him sick.  God's anger only comes from his indescribable love for us.

In conclusion, ladies, we need to guard our holiness.  Christ died and bled incredible amounts of blood so that you can be holy.  He died to set you apart for greater purposes, purposes much bigger and better than to just be desired by some boy.  So don't be afraid to be set apart from society in every area of your life, including your wardrobe.  He has something better coming!

Thailand

If you haven't already read my previous post about what God did prior to my trip, you should! God was clearly working even before I stepped on the plane to go to Thailand, because He's just incredible like that. But anyways, this post will be mainly talking about the actual trip and what I pulled from it...so I expect it to be pretty long. It wouldn't be wise to start reading this if you're just trying to kill 5 minutes before having to be somewhere because I truly want to try to convey to you exactly what God taught me on this trip...which might take some thought on your part. With no further ado, I present to you my Thailand mission trip.

Typically when someone shares about a mission trip they share their top "God moments", or a time when they really experienced God telling them something at a particular point. My first "God moment" actually happened on the plane ride to South Korea. I was reading several encouraging letters that my friends had given me...and all I remember is breaking down in tears and thanking God for putting these incredible people in my life and for His comforting presence with me. I've honestly never felt more comforted by God than in that moment on that plane. I was just so overwhelmed with the fact that God is with me! I was reminded of the great commission: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”  The promise is true! In this moment when I had set out to obey this command of our Savior, I was the most comforted by God than I had ever been in my life.  It's not that I hadn't experienced the presence of God until this point, it was more that I had never experienced His specific comfort. It was this feeling of Him saying to me, "No matter what happens, it's gonna be OK because I'm here with you." What an incredible promise right?!! And what an incredible God! I absolutely love moments like this, when God takes a fact that I've known for practically all my life and makes me understand it like I just heard it for the first time.

Our first day in Thailand was spent running around and exploring the city of Bangkok. The sights, sounds, and smells were so unique and interesting and everyone worked through jet lag like champs! It was in Bangkok where I had another big "God moment".  We were able to visit a Buddhist shrine in the middle of the city, which was a heart-breaking and eerie experience for all of us.  Some of our team felt darkness, some felt saddened, but I felt....urgency.  It was so heart-breaking to see all of these people kneeling and worshiping a statue that can't help them.  They were searching, and it killed me that I knew what they needed, I knew what they were searching for...but I couldn't tell them.  I didn't know their language.  And even if I did know the language, Buddhism is so engrained in Thai culture that they believe if they forsake Buddhism they also forsake being Thai.  Our missionary contact, Dave, explained that typically converting a Thai person to Christianity requires building a long-term relationship and several months or years of pouring into that person's life.  For the first time in my life I felt the urgent need for long-term missionaries; people that would be willing to live in and learn another culture for the sake of building relationships and reaching people for Christ.  This is especially needed in Thailand, where less than 1% of the country is Christian.  So this concludes the first thing that God laid on my heart: the NEED.

After one night and day in Bangkok, we flew to Chiang Rai, a northern city in Thailand.  We were told that for the next 4 days we would be working with the Akha people group. Akha people are mainly immigrants from Myanmar and Laos who first started coming to Thailand to seek refuge from war or famine.  They are really looked down upon by Thai people since they aren't really Thai and many of them are illegal.  It's hard for many of them to get jobs or have opportunities of any kind, so when an offer appears they usually jump on it without hesitation.  For this reason, the Akha people are a major target for solicitors in the sex industry, especially children.  We originally thought we could be doing a 3-day VBS with the Akha kids, but we ended up doing 2 days of pouring concrete for the construction of a church and one day of VBS with the Akha kids in the mountains.  They say the number one rule on mission trips is to be flexible, and I believe our team followed this rule really well! I don't think I heard a single complaint...which was encouraging.  We were all happy to be able to help in any way that we could, even if it wasn't what we originally anticipated.

The VBS in with the Akha kids in the mountains was an incredible experience! The kids were all so well-behaved and just happy to be hanging out with Americans.  The VBS took place in a public school, which was so surprising to me.  They had no problem with us sharing the Gospel and teaching about Jesus in their school simply because we were American, and they idolize Americans.  One teacher was literally in tears because of how excited and thankful she was that a whole group of Americans came to their little Akha school in the mountains.  I was talking with a good friend on the way back to the states, and she explained to me how blessed she feels to be an American simply because of the weight we could have in several countries like Thailand where Americans are highly esteemed.  This was an interesting point to me.  I always felt blessed to be an American, but I never thought about how this little fact can give me such an advantage to spread the gospel in certain Asian and Latin American cultures.  They hang on every word we say...so what if we only spoke the words of God!?  What if God gave me the nationality that I have not just to bless me, but to more effectively reach the people of these cultures?

We found out later that night that our team's little flannelgraph presentation of the gospel could be the first time several of these kids ever heard the name of Jesus. Wow! What a privilege! To be able to first utter the name of our incredible Lord to these kids, to be able to plant a seed in their hearts, was such a blessing! I'm so thankful to God for that opportunity, and I hope to have many more like it throughout the rest of my life.


Our last day in Chiang Rai was spent being the typical American tourist. We rode long-tail boats and elephants, visited the Golden Triangle (where you can see 3 countries in one spot), and visited the White Temple.  This is the day that typically everyone wants to hear about because it made for great pictures. "You got to ride an elephant?! That is SOO cool!"  Yeah, it was cool, but it's definitely not the highlight of my trip. But all in all, it was a cool day with awesome experiences!

Our last 2 days spent in Bangkok were probably the heaviest, because that's where we learned about the condition of Thailand as a whole in regards to human trafficking.  We had several missionaries and representatives of non-profit organizations come and speak to us and tell us the facts.  It was in these 2 days when we were told that 60% of the Thai government's income is from the sex industry, that 70% of the single males traveling to Thailand come only for this particular service, and that most of the girls in the industry could leave any time they wanted, but they stay because there really is no other option.  These facts completely changed everything that I thought I knew about human trafficking.  I always thought that it was an issue of law enforcement, that these girls are only where they are because they were kidnapped or tricked into working that job and that the police were the only people qualified to help these girls.  But the truth is that most of the girls know exactly what they're getting themselves into, but they commit to it out of poverty and lack of any other option.  It's not always an issue of "bad guys" being out there.  The problem is more rooted in factors such as certain aspects of Thai culture, the breakdown of families, poverty, and government corruption

Finding out more about this problem was eye-opening, devastating, overwhelming and inconvenient all at the same time.  The first three adjectives probably make sense, but you might be questioning my choice of the last adjective.  Well, it was inconvenient for me because as I learned more about the sex industry in Thailand, I began to realize that this is a problem that I can directly help if I choose to.  I began to realize that these girls don't need Liam Neeson to come and bust them out, they just need someone to give them another option. They just need a leg-up to higher opportunities.  They just need some way to provide for their families.   And more than anything, they need Jesus.  Of course, all of these things are things that I can actually help with if I'm willing to make the sacrifice to help...which to me is (you got it) inconvenient. Would I be willing to move to Thailand and learn Thai in order to help this problem?

Then we walked through the red light district.  We went in shifts of 5 at a time so that we wouldn't look suspicious. When it was my group's turn to go, I was so incredibly nervous. I kept singing in my head "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, your perfect love is casting out fear.  I tried to avoid looking around in case I saw something that would burn into my brain.  Surprisingly, I never saw any explicit images. In fact, on the outside it looked no worse than an average American club.  The only difference was that there were guys standing outside of every bar with menus of the different shows and services they have to offer, which was pretty sickening to all of us.  What made me even more upset was seeing tables outside with a young Thai girl and an older American or European man sharing a drink together.  My first reaction at this sight was anger.  I was so angry at these men for being so disgusting.  But I was later reminded that these men are just as lost as the girls, and everyone is just looking for love in all the wrong places. 

What struck me the most was the blatant "in your face" sin, and the people's numbness to it.  There were whole families on vacation casually walking down the same road we were disgusted by.  It was like they were in the dark and didn't even know it.  The week before I left for Thailand I was able to go caving with 2 of my friends.  When we reached the deepest point of the cave, our instructor told us all to turn off our head lamps to experience complete darkness.  I have to tell you, it was SO incredibly confusing to be in pitch black darkness.  My eyes kept trying to adjust to some sort of light, but there was none.  They kept trying and trying to see something, but there was nothing to be seen.  Our leader told us if you stay in this darkness long enough, your eyes will eventually stop working and you'll go blind.  This is how Thailand felt in a spiritual sense.  Everyone on these streets were in the dark but had no example of light to realize that they were in utter darkness.  They didn't know there was something better.  But I knew.

Later, our team had a worship service to pray for and meditate on everything that we had learned and seen while in Thailand.  This was another huge "God moment" for me.  I told God that if He wanted me here in Thailand, I would go. I told Him I was willing. And by the end of the service I was weeping, but very selfish weeping. I wasn't crying because of the suffering of the Thai people, or even because of the presence of God.  I was crying because I knew in that moment, that any plans I had made to have a cookie-cutter lifestyle had been ruined.  I could feel God telling me to give it up, give it over, and to just be willing to move...and that was scary.  But I kept telling God, I'm up for it.  I'll go if this is where you want me. 

And that's still where I am at this very moment.  I think about Thailand every now and then, and I'm still praying over what action God wants me to take.  But in my mind, the only way this trip could be a complete failure is if I now do nothing.  I have committed to continually pray for Thailand and give to a ministry called Urban Neighbors of Hope, which is a ministry that sends Christians into the slums of Bangkok to find the needs of their neighbors and then meet those needs.  God has completely opened my heart to be willing to go anywhere if I feel Him leading me there, although I haven't felt Him leading me to any particular place just yet.  Right now my goal is to remain obedient to Him in daily living...and put the future entirely in His hands.

Thailand - The Starting Line

This post has been a LOOONG time coming, and I apologize for how long it's taken me to update you guys on what exactly I learned while I was in Thailand. I originally wanted to make a video talking about what I learned, but it's much easier for me to find the wording that I'm looking for when I write it rather than speaking it... So here it goes!

I suppose the trip actually began before the trip actually began. I originally had no intention of going on a short-term trip for this year's spring break, but clearly God's intentions trump my own.  Last semester, I served as a Spiritual Life Director on my hall and was required to go to the "Light" missions meeting.  This meeting basically explains the multiple mission trips that our school would be taking over the year (one of the several reasons why I love Liberty!).  With each country that they would be traveling to, a picture of a scene from that country would pop up on the screen.  It was a well-done presentation, and the room buzzed with excitement as each country was explained.  Then a picture of monks bowing down to a Buddha statue popped up on the screen.  As soon as I saw this picture, I knew God was calling me to go.  It was one of the few times in my life where I can say God was definitely telling me to go...and it was weird.  As Johnny Moore explained that the country was Thailand and we would be working with sex trafficking, it just got weirder.  God, I'm not equipped to talk to those women. I don't have any experience with what they're dealing with...I can never relate to them! But it didn't matter. God told me I was going.

For those of you who don't know me very well, I'm the sort of person that counts the cost. I'm a logical thinker. I weigh out everything that needs to happen before I commit to do something. I pray about big decisions and try to get the advice of family and friends...EXCEPT when God called me to go to Thailand. I didn't hesitate.  Part of me still thinks it was crazy that I immediately jumped into it...that's so unlike me! But that's just it: it wasn't me. I truly believe it was the Spirit in me that walked directly up to the Thailand booth after the meeting, that filled out the 7-page application that night, and that got up extra early the next day to turn in the application to the missions office.  I took all these steps without counsel of my parents or friends, but I was confident that God called me to go.

And then, I found out how much it would cost...$3,500! Are you kidding me?  I began to doubt.  I never doubted God's capabilities of providing the funds, but I did start questioning God's calling for me to go. Is this really the best way to spend $3,500 of the church's money? We could probably feed 20 Nicaraguan families for a year with that much money! And then I realized...we can keep throwing money at poverty and make peoples' lives better for a little while, or we can actually go to them and share with them the bread of life that will benefit them for eternity as well as provide for their current needs.  I decided that even if only one person got one step closer to accepting Christ as a result of this trip, the $3,500 is absolutely worth it.  Christ paid the ultimate price to rescue me from darkness, so why should I let any other price hinder His work of saving souls?

This next little bit is for everyone that supported me financially and in prayer: THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU!!!! God has worked in incredibly ways in ALL of you and I thank you for being obedient to Him and to the great commission.  I honestly never worried that God wouldn't provide the money (which is probably thanks to your prayers!). Through faithful followers of Christ and my family I was able to meet every deadline with ease. The week before the final deadline was due, I was $500 short.  In a matter of seriously 10 minutes, I was fully funded! An awesome couple from my church texted me and told me they had a $400 check for me, and my parents offered to pay the last $100 as their contribution (even though they never had to pay it because a check from my brother-in-law's grandparents came in the next day! Thank-you Bobby and Boggie Sena!) All that to say...God is awesome and gave me EXACTLY what I needed. And money is just money.

It's also so incredible to receive so much encouragement and support from my friends and family.  I just have to say...I have some of the best friends a person could possibly have.  My best friend, Courtney Woolfolk (umm....she's incredible) gave me all of the Christmas money that she received to put towards the trip. During the last few hours before leaving my dorm, Courtney and another close friend, Sheila, stayed up until 3:00 am just to pray with me right before I left.  Another friend who spent last summer in Thailand gave me continuous encouragement and tips on how to not seem so "American" in a quiet Asian culture (something I desperately needed to know).  Through it all, I felt so blessed and privileged to be going on this trip and to have the awesome friends that I have. I grew a new appreciation for them and for their hearts that are so committed to Christ and His purposes!

These are just a few of the mini-lessons I learned as in preparation for the trip.  Be sure to read my next post to find out about what I learned in Thailand!

Kiddie Pool Deep: Our Shallow Pursuit of Relationships

"How did SHE get HIM?"..."Oh, she's out of his league."..."He's REALLY nice and everything...but I just don't see anything happening with him." We've all at least heard these words and have likely said them (myself included). The emphasis that our society puts on appearances is remarkable, especially when it comes to relationships. We make judgements and conclusions about a person without ever having a 5-minute conversation with them. We're as shallow as a kiddie pool! Do we honestly not recognize how shallow we're being? Or do we recognize it but have no problem with it? The options are equally disturbing.

I must admit that I have personally struggled with this issue. As part of my sinful nature I have found myself making quick judgements based solely on appearances or envying the life of someone who I considered to be more attractive. The only requirements that I set for the type of guy I wanted to date were that: 1) he loves God and 2) I'm attracted to him. They seem like innocent standards, but a closer look at #2 revealed my shallow, sinful self. I must be attracted to him, but what did that mean?

My original definition was that I must like him at first sight; that he must have a captivating appearance, eyes that I could melt inside of, a smile that makes me faint, and of course, a six-pack. But then I stepped back and asked myself, "Is this God's definition of attraction? Are these really the qualities that God wants me to look for?" Wow, for the fifteenth time I realized how incredibly shallow I am.

So, God started doing what He does best: changing my heart. He began replacing my schema of what I think a husband should look like with His framework of what a man of God truly is. He showed me in His word how He doesn't consider appearances at all: "The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7) He instead searches for men who are actively seeking Him, who are devoted to prayer, and who are willing to serve, and he prompted me to do the same.

In addition, God began to show me how choosing someone based on their appearance is not only shallow, but it's also just a terrible idea. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting..." (Prov. 31:30) Beauty, the main component that our society bases judgements upon, is fleeting. In other words, it's "passing swiftly; vanishing quickly; transient; transitory" as defined by dictionary.com. Take a deep breath in...now release it. That was beauty. It was here for a moment, and now it's gone, never to be retrieved again.

But there is another kind of beauty, one that is transcendent and, unfortunately, often over-looked. This is the beauty of character, the only beauty God is concerned with. Because this is God's main concern, it should be ours too. Speaking specifically to women here, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Peter 3:3-4) Notice the phrase "unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". Beauty of character is the only beauty that is guaranteed to last. If beauty is fleeting, but spiritual character is forever, then why do we base so much of our lives on the former and not the latter?

It seems so silly that we choose our spouses based on this temporary breath of physical beauty and then wonder why our marriages don't work out. Perhaps part of the reason the divorce rate is so high is because we're picking our spouses based on such transient criteria rather than godly values that will last. Maybe if we stopped looking for attractiveness and instead sought godliness we would have more successful relationships.

After having realized all of this, someone did catch my eye. He was a good friend, a man of God doing his best to seek Him and serve others. He was selfless and gave all he could possibly give to other people. He had such a hunger for God's word and such a will to do everything God's way. I found myself wanting to be around him more and more...I was attracted to him. And then I realized, attraction isn't how you feel about a person the first time you see them, it's having the desire to be around someone because of their character. If this is the case, then I'm afraid there are several people who are missing out on incredible people because they never felt the "attraction" that they never allowed the chance to develop.

It now frustrates me to see awesome godly people being romantically ignored simply because they don't look a certain way. It seems like Christians don't want a godly spouse, they want a good-looking spouse. What if I told you that the ONLY perfect person that ever walked this Earth wasn't good-looking? When prophesying about our coming Savior, Isaiah writes: "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him." (Isaiah 53:2) Sorry to shatter your picture-perfect depiction of Jesus, but scripture tells us that he wasn't attractive! I can clearly hear the pharisees and the unbelieving Jews, "He's the one? It can't be him. Look at him! God must be sending someone else." Funny, I hear the exact same words come from the mouths of some modern-day Christians.

I'm not saying that it's wrong to pursue someone who is beautiful, but I am saying that it shouldn't be the main criteria.  We should pursue people that are first of all godly, and if you happen to think they're super attractive in appearance then hey, that's an added bonus.

In conclusion, I want to challenge you. Make every effort to break our society's mold of shallowness and seek God to change your heart. I challenge you to stop writing people off as potential partners because they don't look a certain way. I challenge you to fight your sinful nature and truly consider character over appearances. If you want to truly enjoy the water, you need to get out of the shallow kiddie pool and jump into deeper waters.