"How did SHE get HIM?"..."Oh, she's out of his league."..."He's REALLY nice and everything...but I just don't see anything happening with him." We've all at least heard these words and have likely said them (myself included). The emphasis that our society puts on appearances is remarkable, especially when it comes to relationships. We make judgements and conclusions about a person without ever having a 5-minute conversation with them. We're as shallow as a kiddie pool! Do we honestly not recognize how shallow we're being? Or do we recognize it but have no problem with it? The options are equally disturbing.
I must admit that I have personally struggled with this issue. As part of my sinful nature I have found myself making quick judgements based solely on appearances or envying the life of someone who I considered to be more attractive. The only requirements that I set for the type of guy I wanted to date were that: 1) he loves God and 2) I'm attracted to him. They seem like innocent standards, but a closer look at #2 revealed my shallow, sinful self. I must be attracted to him, but what did that mean?
My original definition was that I must like him at first sight; that he must have a captivating appearance, eyes that I could melt inside of, a smile that makes me faint, and of course, a six-pack. But then I stepped back and asked myself, "Is this God's definition of attraction? Are these really the qualities that God wants me to look for?" Wow, for the fifteenth time I realized how incredibly shallow I am.
So, God started doing what He does best: changing my heart. He began replacing my schema of what I think a husband should look like with His framework of what a man of God truly is. He showed me in His word how He doesn't consider appearances at all: "The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7) He instead searches for men who are actively seeking Him, who are devoted to prayer, and who are willing to serve, and he prompted me to do the same.
In addition, God began to show me how choosing someone based on their appearance is not only shallow, but it's also just a terrible idea. "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting..." (Prov. 31:30) Beauty, the main component that our society bases judgements upon, is fleeting. In other words, it's "passing swiftly; vanishing quickly; transient; transitory" as defined by dictionary.com. Take a deep breath in...now release it. That was beauty. It was here for a moment, and now it's gone, never to be retrieved again.
But there is another kind of beauty, one that is transcendent and, unfortunately, often over-looked. This is the beauty of character, the only beauty God is concerned with. Because this is God's main concern, it should be ours too. Speaking specifically to women here, "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." (1 Peter 3:3-4) Notice the phrase "unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit". Beauty of character is the only beauty that is guaranteed to last. If beauty is fleeting, but spiritual character is forever, then why do we base so much of our lives on the former and not the latter?
It seems so silly that we choose our spouses based on this temporary breath of physical beauty and then wonder why our marriages don't work out. Perhaps part of the reason the divorce rate is so high is because we're picking our spouses based on such transient criteria rather than godly values that will last. Maybe if we stopped looking for attractiveness and instead sought godliness we would have more successful relationships.
After having realized all of this, someone did catch my eye. He was a good friend, a man of God doing his best to seek Him and serve others. He was selfless and gave all he could possibly give to other people. He had such a hunger for God's word and such a will to do everything God's way. I found myself wanting to be around him more and more...I was attracted to him. And then I realized, attraction isn't how you feel about a person the first time you see them, it's having the desire to be around someone because of their character. If this is the case, then I'm afraid there are several people who are missing out on incredible people because they never felt the "attraction" that they never allowed the chance to develop.
It now frustrates me to see awesome godly people being romantically ignored simply because they don't look a certain way. It seems like Christians don't want a godly spouse, they want a good-looking spouse. What if I told you that the ONLY perfect person that ever walked this Earth wasn't good-looking? When prophesying about our coming Savior, Isaiah writes: "He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him." (Isaiah 53:2) Sorry to shatter your picture-perfect depiction of Jesus, but scripture tells us that he wasn't attractive! I can clearly hear the pharisees and the unbelieving Jews, "He's the one? It can't be him. Look at him! God must be sending someone else." Funny, I hear the exact same words come from the mouths of some modern-day Christians.
I'm not saying that it's wrong to pursue someone who is beautiful, but I am saying that it shouldn't be the main criteria. We should pursue people that are first of all godly, and if you happen to think they're super attractive in appearance then hey, that's an added bonus.
In conclusion, I want to challenge you. Make every effort to break our society's mold of shallowness and seek God to change your heart. I challenge you to stop writing people off as potential partners because they don't look a certain way. I challenge you to fight your sinful nature and truly consider character over appearances. If you want to truly enjoy the water, you need to get out of the shallow kiddie pool and jump into deeper waters.
