I recently discovered a sin in my life that I must confess: I'm a doubter. I have a tendency to make a decision, and then doubt that decision. It doesn't seem like a terrible sin, but I recently discovered how destructive it can be when I lost something that I really cared about. That's how it always works, isn't it? You don't fully learn a lesson until it hurts. At least, that's the case with me. But I'm thankful that it happened, because otherwise I wouldn't have learned this lesson that I believe is crucial in order to really enjoy life...and now I can start over with new wisdom (thank God for fresh beginnings!)
I believe that doubt is pretty common in American culture because of how restless our culture is. Nothing is ever enough. We doubt almost every gift that we've been given: our spouse, our job, our house, our ministry, etc. I was recently talking about this with a friend and we kind of concluded that much of the doubt found in our culture stems from the obsession to find THE right (fill in the blank). The right guy, the right career, the right house. We have this mentality that there is only one possible ____ that will truly make us happy, all other choices are wrong, and our life becomes an endless quest in search of "the right". As a result, we doubt every decision we make that doesn't result in a hallelujah chorus and rainbows in the sky, and then we end up not appreciating the many benefits we could reap from that decision. We doubt, and then we don't fully receive the gifts that God has given us.
James says a little bit about doubtful people, and it's pretty convicting (typical James). He writes: "...He who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does." That verse struck me, because I could totally relate. I was living a life of unstable-ness. I didn't feel stable in where God had me and the future that he could have for me. I was doubting what He had already given me, and as a result I didn't truly receive those gifts. I was doubting that God truly knows what's best for me. And let me tell you, this is no way to live. It's destructive in more ways than one, but what really bothered me was how torn I was all the time. "Maybe THIS is right...no...maybe I should do this....no.....but what if this?" Back and forth, back and forth. I was a wave of the sea, just like James said.
What's more, once you have a doubtful attitude, it becomes an endless cycle. You see, you can't fully enjoy something unless you invest in it, but if you're doubtful, you don't fully invest in it so you don't enjoy it, which leads you to doubt it. It's frustrating, really. Five words could potentially spoil the gifts you have been given: "I'm not sure about this." It's also kind of ironic. Your fear of something not working out causes that very thing to not work out when it otherwise probably would.
It's funny, one of the several things I found myself doubting this past semester was my decision to move off campus. It was kind of a hard transition for me because I love people, and I love being surrounded by people...and there's always people on a dorm. Off-campus life is kind of lonely, mainly because both of my roommates work full-time jobs. So I'm sitting at home by myself, wondering if I made the right choice, and then I decided to stop wondering and start investing. I began trying to get to know my neighbors. I was able to start relationships with people that I otherwise never would've met. I started volunteering with the youth group at my church. And it completely changed my view of living off-campus! All because I stopped doubting, and started investing. Plus, I recently found out that my student teaching placement for next semester is literally a 2-minute drive from my apartment and some of the kids in the youth group go to this school! Are you kidding me? While I was doubting, God was orchestrating. Guys, He knows what He's doing. Don't doubt where God has you.
So I resolved: I'm not going to doubt anymore. I'm going to throw myself at my God-honoring decisions with reckless abandon and with the attitude that God will make it great. I understand that it may not always work out, but if I don't expect it to then it definitely won't. I'm going to rid myself of double-mindedness in order to fully receive and enjoy the gifts God has given me. I'm going to be fully used by God wherever he has me in life. I'm going to take to heart the wise words of Jim Elliot, "Wherever you are, be all there."
