I have two extremely loving parents who have given more to me than I could ever express. I grew up in a Church that was passionate about the Gospel and provided wise Christian counsel. I attended a Christian college and found very solid friendships of people who to this day pray for me and encourage me. I married a man who loves the Lord, prays for me, and strives to make sure that I feel loved. And for all of these things I am extremely grateful.
But despite all of this, it has become very apparent to me over the last year how ill-equipped I was for dealing with loneliness in my marriage.
Now before you start messaging or lecturing my husband, I want to be very clear that my loneliness is not his fault in any way. Chris has been so good to me and good for me. Even in moments when I couldn't stand myself, he showed crazy amounts of forgiveness and patience. Feeling alone didn't suddenly appear in my life after getting married. It's always been there. For some reason, I just didn't think it would still be there after getting married.
A few weeks ago Chris and I were eating lunch with a group of friends. When the time came to get the checks, we told the waitress that my husband and I would be on a check, this married couple here is on a check, and for the remaining check my husband jokingly told the waitress, "The last one is hers. She's all alone." This was funny to everyone at the table, including the friend he was referring to, and we all had a good laugh about it. But in a more serious way, this is how we all think about marriage right? Single people are alone, and married people are not. It's as simple as that.
The expectation of marriage that was communicated by the Church was fairly confusing for me to translate. I heard, "Only God will satisfy you," but then people continually asked about my dating life instead of my spiritual well-being. "Marriage isn't the end goal," but then people seem to drop off the face of the earth once they are married. "No one can 'complete' you, only Christ can do that," and then I hear an entire sermon that says I'm one piece of a puzzle and I have to find my other half. "The 'one' doesn't exist. No one is perfect for you," and then I see the 832,743 posts on Instagram saying that their man is perfect for them. Etc, etc, and so forth. Again and again, words were spoken, but attitudes and actions led me to believe something else.
When I felt lonely I would mostly confide in my best friend, but I would also inwardly, and very subtly, attribute my loneliness to the fact that I hadn't yet found "the one person" who will truly understand me. The one person that I will confide in and who will connect with me on such a deep level that this lonely feeling will never even happen again.
I mean, I knew a human couldn't be my salvation from myself. I knew that marriage isn't the thing that will ultimately satisfy me. I knew it would be difficult at times. But if there was one thing I could expect from marriage, it's the fact that I will never be alone. Surely, people in good, healthy marriages never feel lonely. Right?
Wrong.
This reality hit me when 6 months into marriage, I found myself wishing for the very same thing I had longed for before getting married. I just want someone who TRULY UNDERSTANDS me. I felt lonely again. Except this time I couldn't seek hope in one day finding "that one person" who will understand me, because I found him. He was lying in bed right next to me. I promised my life to him. This was it. This was the thing that was supposed to expel all of my feelings of loneliness and inadequacy. And he doesn't understand me. So now I'm doomed to feel misunderstood and lonely for the rest of my life. And because I always thought no one should feel alone in a good marriage, I assumed that this meant there was something wrong with my marriage, or at least wrong with me.
I don't believe I'm the only married person who's ever felt this feeling. It is horrifyingly paralyzing. It's a feeling of utter hopelessness. To realize that for the rest of your life no one will truly understand you, no one can permanently fix your loneliness, it makes you question if that life is even worth living. I just wanted to be in heaven already, where it actually is impossible to feel lonely. Is it horrible to wish for that to happen now rather than live the rest of my life feeling this way?
When I expressed this to my husband, turns out he was feeling lonely too. We wrestled with this for months, both of us confessing our struggles with feeling a lack of intimacy and thinking of practical ways that we can be there for each other. We went some healthy ways, and some not so healthy ways. Even though at times we didn't fully understand each other, we understood the loneliness. When we felt like we had absolutely nothing in common, at least we had that. It wasn't until we started to be honest with our friends that we realized: we're not even alone in this struggle. What we've been dealing with is fairly normal, and in those times of honest confession to my spouse and closest friends (single or married), I felt such a sure connection that reminded me why I'm actually here.
Ultimately, I think it was this truth that forced me to re-evaluate my thoughts on loneliness. In one sense, loneliness is a terrible thing. The human existence is almost entirely about connection, and feeling alone and misunderstood is a barrier to that. But in another sense, it is an inevitable, natural part of being a human in a fallen world. How much more do I value those moments of genuine connection because I've also felt the pain of being disconnected? If I'm honest with myself, how many relationships would I continue to pursue if loneliness no longer existed? How much would I pray or hope for heaven if I never felt alone again? If my husband and I could suddenly completely understand each other, what would be left to learn for the remainder of our marriage?
So I came to realize, not only is loneliness normal, but it is also necessary. In a sense, there is no one on this earth who can fully understand me and fully love me. No one on this earth can fully step inside my brain, my past experiences, my feelings, or my fears. Some level of loneliness is a reality for any broken human. It is unavoidable. It doesn't discriminate. A married person can feel just as lonely as a single person, and a single person can feel just as connected as a married person. It can't be solved by marrying someone wonderful or having lots of friends. But, like most things, we can use the loneliness that we feel to push us toward good things, or destructive things. We can choose to dig deeper and try to make true connections, or we can retreat within ourselves and miss out on the beauty of another unique human. We can wallow in our self-pity of feeling alone, or we can look around and see that other people feel alone too. We can invest in the relationships that we have, or we can squander them while we hope for a more perfect future one.
I will also add that since having this realization, things with my spouse have been going much, much better. I no longer blame him for these occasional bouts of loneliness, but I still talk to him about it and he always listens. I remind myself that this feeling is natural and that it won't last forever. I acknowledge that it's okay to long for the day when I will encounter "the one" who does fully understand me and love me perfectly. I recognize the destructive temptations so I can avoid them, and I push on toward the things that I know are good. Usually, there's a person on the other side saying, "I thought I was the only one."
I love this quote by Donald Miller: "I don't know if there's a healthier way for two people to stay in love than stop using each other to resolve their unfulfilled longings and, instead, start holding each other closely as they experience them."
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